User's Guide and Manual for Wyatt Cain
by Shannon Vega
Summary: So, you want your very own Wyatt Cain. Think you're ready for the responsibility of the gorgeous Tin Man? Then take a gander through his instruction manual. A loving tribute to the handsome cop and a Christmas wish for every shipper. D.G. & Cain implied.


**A/N: I do not own Wyatt Cain--though I wish I did, love for my husband regardless. Neither do I own "TIN MAN" nor the actors, their brilliant protrayals, or the rights thereof. If I did, it would be a series, not a miniseries, dammit. Here's just hoping that someone at SciFi takes note of this section and the fan reaction and does what I want them to and makes a series. For the record, the idea of a user guide is not mine. I have no idea who originated it, but as I've never said it was mine, deal with it. Nor is any similarity to any other's work intended. **

**THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR**

**Wyatt Cain**

**Copyright Tin Man, Ltd.**

**Princess D.G., Quality Assurance Manager **

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a WYATT CAIN unit. To obtain the most pleasure from your Tin Man, please follow the instructions below.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: WYATT CAIN

Type: Human (Tin Man)

Height: 1.83 m

Weight: 165 lbs.

Length: Ahem. More than adequate for any and all purposes.

Colour: Eyes: Blue Hair: Strawberry blonde.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your WYATT CAIN will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units arrive via travel storm in their own tin suit. Units are delivered fully dressed in light-coloured body-hugging pants, a light-blue striped buttoned-down shirt, deep claret vest, knee-length trench coat, fedora, pearl-handled straight razor, a gunbelt complete with silver revolver and bullets, and pick for hacking through ice. Also included is an air of tragic nobility, streetwise edge, and quick wit equal to the D.G. unit (not included, please see cataologue). Please be advised that Tin Man, Ltd., accepts no liability for any perforation, breakage, or psychological damage caused as a result of any of the above.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

It is recommended that upon receipt of your WYATT CAIN unit that you remove its clothing and check all moving parts. This is in part due to the need to clean the unit's clothing after its shipment via the tin suit. It is not recommended to do this around any significant others. Tin Man, Ltd., is not responsible for divorce, separations, missing persons cases or other actions or misdeeds arising from actions in the care of your WYATT CAIN unit. His controls are voice activated and he is fluent in English, Munchkin, and various other languages of the O.Z. as required by Tin Men. Be aware, your WYATT CAIN will not follow blithely any order and is an armed officer of the law. Tin Man, Ltd., accepts no responsibility for legal costs, confinement or possible intimate relationships with women named Beulah or men named Bubba (no offense intended towards those named Beulah or Bubba).

As well as being a gruff, gorgeous lawman, WYATT CAIN has many other uses.

_Tracker_

Whether it be through the garden mazes of Funaqua or through the streets of New York, your WYATT CAIN can track your target with the aplomb of a bloodhound. The applications of this skill measure far beyond the following of wayward O.Z. princesses. Small children, lost puppies, and teenagers are no match for this hunter of the O.Z.

_Chaperone_

If his broad shoulders, scowl and piercing blue eyes aren't enough to keep your daughter's boyfriend in check, the flash of his silvered revolver should more than suffice. No more will those ragamuffin boys show up on your doorstep with ill-intent for your daughter. And those foolish enough to appear may find themselves bodyslammed by the best of the O.Z. Tin Men.

_Bodyguard_

The world of the O.Z. can be a dangerous place. And who better to protect you from Otherside threats or those of the O.Z. than the tarnished Tin Man. Willing to interfere when it protects those he cares about (cough...D.G...cough), he is not afraid to threaten, cajole, and manhandle you until you are thoroughly protected.

_Investigator_

Gathering information is what Tin Men do best. Can't afford a private investigator? Simply task your WYATT CAIN unit to follow your target and he will suss out what is happening. Moreover, if questioning is required, WYATT CAIN can be ruthless in collecting the information required to collect a case.

**CLEANING**

While your WYATT CAIN unit does appear from the tin suit in a silvered state, hair matted and tangled past his shoulders, your WYATT CAIN easily reverts to clean-cut Tin Man. Comfortable bathing in a stream (and pleasurable to watch), your unit will easily shed his tinned appearance in favor of a pinked complexion and reddish-blonde hair. His wielding of his straight razor eliminates any need for investing in BIC razors. While your WYATT CAIN unit is more than capable of cleaning himself, it can be most enjoyable to assist with this activity.

Do not dry clean or tumble dry your WYATT CAIN unit. Hand washing is strongly recommended.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND TROUBLESHOOTING**

_My WYATT CAIN came home with bruises and a cut lip. This is unusual behavior for my ordinarily unbeatable Tin Man. What may be the cause of his damage?_

Do you have a ZERO unit? If so, make sure that you do not allow these two units to intermingle. Due to irreparable damage done to the ADORA unit by the ZERO unit during quality testing, the WYATT CAIN unit has been preprogammed at creation with an instinctive and violent hatred of the ZERO unit. Due to the ZERO unit's included accessory pack of GOONS, however, all interactions between the ZERO and WYATT CAIN units end up in damage to the WYATT CAIN unit.

_My WYATT CAIN unit has begun charging off doing God knows what and coming back with bullet holes. Again, what is going on?_

Has your WYATT CAIN unit been hanging out with your GLITCH, RAW, D.G., AND AZKADELIA units? Prior to the redemption of AZKADELIA from the grasp of the evil witch, WYATT CAIN is likely to be the victim of beatings, gunshots, and hypothermia. Simply explain that the O.Z. has already been rescued and AZKADELIA is not possessed by an evil witch--she's simply possessed by P.M.S.

_My WYATT CAIN unit has abandoned his trenchcoat and fedora for a rather officious looking briefcase and a white lab coat. Is this some sort of glitch (pardon the pun)?_

Periodically, our inventory specialists accidentally send out a DR. STEPHEN CONNOR unit, rather than the requested WYATT CAIN. While helpful if facing a mortal but unknown disease, we will be more than happy to correct your order. A helicopter will be landing on your front lawn to pick up the DR. STEPHEN CONNOR unit and upon receipt back into our inventory, your corrected order of WYATT CAIN will arrive as promised via travel storm. To apologize for the mistake, we will include at no additional charge a passel of FLYING MONKEYS.

_My WYATT CAIN keeps grinding his jaw and then strorming off. My D.G. unit storms of in the opposite direction. Then they brood. Is this normal?_

Are you, perchance, a shipper? Well, then, bravo! Apologies, we here in quality control are a little biased. The behavior you are witnessing is the courtship behavior of the WYATT CAIN and D.G. units. If you don't kill them or lock them in a closet, it is quite amusing to watch. Depending on whether you have set your units to K all the way through MA depends on how frisky they get in the end. Please see the additional technical manual for instructions on how to change the rating settings for...more illuminating behaviors.

**FINAL NOTE**

We here in quality control hope tht you enjoy your WYATT CAIN unit and, provided that the above instructions are followed, are certain that he will provide you with years of pleasure. If you are presenting WYATT CAIN as a gift, please be advised that we follow rules and restrictions as set out by the Royal House of Gale of the Outer Zone and the Tin Man Appreciation Society. A WYATT CAIN is a gift for life, not just for Christmas.


End file.
